Parents have been taught that they should remain impartial when it comes to their children. They should love their children equally and never take sides. They should treat each child exactly the same.
And even though loving each child is easy, treating them the same can be extremely difficult. The fact is that parents will feel differently about their children, since each child has a different personality and disposition, and this is natural.
Sometimes, a parent has more in common with one child than the other. Sometimes, one child’s personality better matches that of the parent’s. This can often be confused as parental favouritism, leaving the other child or children to feel inadequate and unloved. This resentment will then spark a sibling rivalry.
Factors That Cause Sibling Jealousy and Rivalry
The Child Development Institute printed an article entitled "Handling Sibling Rivalry", which states that some of the major factors involved in igniting sibling rivalry include:
- Position in the family, for example, the oldest child may be burdened with responsibilities for the younger children or the younger child spends his life trying to catch up with an older sibling
- Sex, for instance, a son may hate his sister because his father seems more gentle with her. On the other hand, a daughter may wish she could go on the hunting trip with her father and brother
- Age, a five- and an eight-year-old can play some games together but when they become ten and thirteen, they will probably be poles apart.
The article states the most important factor, however, is parental attitude.
Parental Do’s and Don’ts to Prevent Sibling Rivalry
Here are some pointers for parents when it comes to managing rivalry between children:
- Don't make comparisons. If one child does something better or faster than the other child, like learning how to ride a bike, don’t compare. Instead, set goals and expectations as they relate to each individual child.
- Don't dismiss or suppress children's resentment or angry feelings. Anger is normal, let it happen. Talk to children though and let them know that being angry does not give them the right to act with cruelty, like hitting their brother or sister.
- Try to let siblings settle their own differences.
- Don’t take sides. Attempting to punish the child who is at fault will usually result in more conflict between the children.
- Don’t ignore appropriate behaviour. Parents often only acknowledge problems, not when their children are getting along or behaving nicely to each other. Pay attention to the good behaviour.
Sibling rivalry consists of feelings of intense jealousy, resentment and animosity towards a brother or sister. If steps are not taken, by the time siblings are adults these feelings are so ingrained in the relationship that they are difficult to get over.
Jennifer Berube - I am a freelance writer based in Victoria, B.C. I graduated from the Humber College Journalism program and have worked as a reporter for a ...
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