Understanding Jealousy Among Adult Siblings

I am 43 years old and have dealt with a spoiled elder brother all my life. To this day, my mother allows him to treat her with no respect, and when I try to do the right thing, she doesn't follow through. My brother is a selfish, self-serving spoiled adult alcoholic. He has followed my mother everywhere she lived, and lost his job 2 years ago and has been living with her ever since. Paying no bills, not doing chores, and basically doing whatever he wants which is usually nothing. I go over to do the lawn, run some errands for her and try the best I can while caring for my husband who is disabled. My brother has no respect for anyone or himself and I've told her that I don't like him, will not tolerate him and if she is going to let him stay, then make him do the right thing. It gets me even more angry when I tell her this and she does not answer. She knows deep down he's selfish, she has even admitted it. But she is a classic enabler and will not set him straight. My mother suffers from depression and anxiety, and him being there has not made it any better for her. After a drunken argument, my husband and I do not allow him over our home anymore and we cut him off totally. I know this hurts my mother, but I also told her how much it hurts me - to see her putting up with him. There is no solution to this I suppose, but it is one that is difficult to accept - I don't think I ever will. If anyone else is going through or has gone through the same - I would like to hear your comments/suggestions. Disgusted in North Carolina...

I am a 23 year old with two sisters, and believe me I deal with my fair share of sibling rivalry. I have never felt the need to compete with my sisters, but they DO NOT feel the same way. Because of their jealousy, I have to deal with them trying to make me look stupid at family events and around their friends and boyfriends. Before I knew jealousy was the cause of this, I use to take it very personally and suffered self-confidence problems growing up. I am a decently attractive person, caring, I have a creative mind, and feel that I am somewhat intelligent. I was diagnosed with a.d.d as a child, and I have always been put down by my familoy for this. My older sister told me that she didn't think it was fair that I got special treatment for having a problem, and I guess that is why she was so jealous. Knowing what I know about a.d.d, now, I no longer think of myself as stupid, but I did for so long. They always told me that I was just feeling sorry for myself, and that I should just get over it, but it is kind of hard when you are constantly being bullied. Of course it use to get a reaction out of me, but my parents just thought of this as a reason to think I was mentally unstable. my older sister spent a lot of time trying to convince them of this too. Jealousy is a very dangerous thing, jealousy is a very selfish thing, and jealousy is very heartless. Wanting other people, and other siblings look stupid because you feel inadequate is just unfair! I spent so much of my earlier childhood suffering, with no support, because my sisters couldn't get over their jealousy. All I wanted was to be close to them, and all they wanted to do was make me feel bad about myself. In addition, my relationship with my parents suffered a great deal, because they just couldn't see through it. My mother died three years ago, but my older sister spent so much time convincing her I was the devil that I never got to build a close relationship with her. It wasn't until after I died that I realized this was what was causing the rift between us. If you are jealous of a sibling, get over it. Stop being so selfish because of your insecurites!

I don't know if these comments receive responses, but I have been wracked with emotional pain due to my younger of two daughters' jealousy. She is 23 and has demonstrated almost a hateful jealousy of her older sister for years now. The older daughter always had talents growing up which were recognized by others (piano, writing, sewing). It was natural for people to be impressed. She also was a very sweet young lady, not as feisty as our younger 23 year old. As an adult, this one is beautiful, hard working and has her own talents. SHe is happily married and a gourmet cook. But still she is cold and mean-spirited where her sister is concerned. Can you direct me to a site on which these concerns are addressed?

My daughter is 19 years old, very pretty, very smart, her bosses and teachers always speak so highly of her - but at home - wow -she is totally the opposite. She is unbelievably cruel to me (her mom) and her younger brother, he's 16 - and has been bullied all his life - by her and at by kids at school. My daughter's behavior and jealousy towards my son is making our daily life very difficult. After many years of being bullied at school, he finally has a good group of friends - and whenever they come over, my daughter bad mouths him in front of them, ridicules him, and basically embarrasses him. Both my husband & I, always interfere when this happens, and we set her straight, but it doesn't last. What is her goal? What does she get out of this? I am at my wits end - I have seen a counselor, and he said that I only have one option: I have to tell her that I will not allow her to abuse her brother anymore - or she will have to move out. I love both my children, and I know forcing my daughter to move out, will end up hurting her academically, and her whole future might go down the drain - but having her stay, is hurting my son. She refuses to see a counselor with us, so please - any advice will be greatly appreciated.

I'm the oldest(24) and we are one year apart. my two siblings, a brother and sister are so spolied and think they are better, smarter than me. they both went to university, i didnt. my parents always take thier side and give them whatever they want. my brother makes more money then my mother and does not pay his own bills.my dad is a stay at home dad and is control of the finances and gives these two whatever they want.they dont even want to take the bus when its neccesary, someone has to sacrifice thier schedule to accomadate these two. im am so sick of the verbal abuse. they also like to tell me to lose weight when im not even that big and i dont see why its any of their business anyway. when my mom is frustated after a long day at work she only takes it out on me not on anyone else. she only calls me stupid, god forbid she call them stupid, they went to uni.i was happier when they both went away for school and i cant wait to get out of this house. i am also the better looking one and i dont look like them. so mayb it is jealousy. but im also a quiet person and those two are so loud and annoying.

I have you all beat! I have 10 brothers and sisters and they have ALL turned against me. I am the third oldest... I am lucky enough to be married to the nicest, most handsome man. We have a successful business that we worked very hard to build, no thanks to anyone. We did not have money growing up. I was always helpful as a child, and still am to this day. However, that seems to make my family even more resentful. The jealousy is unbelievable!! I must add that I am a VERY private person and never brag about anything, especially money. I have tried to confront some of them because they are constantly backstabbing me and they literally run away or I get the phone slammed down on me! It really hurts my feelings to be treated like this after doing favors for EVERY one of them. I have never asked for anything in return. I am always kind and considerate, but not one of them is on my side. My friends say I am too nice and that its their problem. Also, that I cannot change them, no matter how good I am to them, and that I should disown them. Maybe I wouldn't have this problem if they did somthing with their lives'. Anyone else the object of jealousy ?? How do you handle it? It really stinks!

I am in a completely different position to every one else on this site and if you look at it from a different angle I probably look like the bad guy. I am eleven years old and I have a four year old brother because I am seven years older than my brother I was treated like an only child basically being completely spoilt. I was the only daughter and the only grandchild on one side of my family. Then my brother came and when I was seven I was really selfish and I didn't understand why my little brother got all the attention as he was not the best looking baby and the first thing I said when I saw him was that he looked like a wrinkly old man. As he got older though I am still spoiled more than him and I am pretty certain that I am my dads favourite but I'm not sure about my mum. My brother is actually a very handsome four year old but I'm also quite goodlooking. I think that my whole family adores me because I am the first grandchild the only grandaughter and I was the first to do my important exams choosing which senior school to go to. I got two academic scholarships and I got into basically the best school in Oxford, that's in England I'm British. So everyone likes my intelligence and they all think I'm good looking and even though I'm a bit biased they all think that I have charisma and personality. They mainly like my personality because I am an excellant debater. Not to bost. I sometimes tease my brother because I'm bored but I shouldn't be bred as I have so many things I have : a phone, an ipod, a wii, a camera, a laptop, a ds, a ds lite, a dsi and a gameboy advance. Which is a lot but thankfully I'm not a spoiled brat just a spoiled thankful person. My brother might grow up and be jealous because he is going to a governmant primary school for the first year or two and I have always gone to a private school. He also gets all my hand me downs like toys books ect. I also got an en suite at the age of ten and he just has a normal room a bit smaller than mine. I basically just seached into google sibling jealousy so that I could avoid my brother being jelous. Sometimes I am mean to him but I really love him deeep down and I wouldn't want him to be jelous of me. So if anyone knows how to stop him being jelous of me when he gets older that would really help my family and I. I would appreciate it. Thanks.

I am 53 years old and still going through the jealousy from my elder sister, 7 years elder to me. I was married in an affluent family, my husband doing well in his business. This sister was always jealous of me and wanted to do business with my husband(he didn't know about this rivalry and would not listen to me). It was our bad time that hubby was losing badly in his business. He wanted to pay to the company of which he was the agent, thinking that business will pickup. Since my sister was insisting to do business, hubby approached her for the money to pay to the company. Our bad time had started you can say, that things were going against us. Hubbies elder brother was also jealous minded, he also pushed him into it, with the result we were literally on the footpath,house was sold. This led to my sister taking full advantage of the situation. She would write letter, call us on phone with words full of abuse and hatred. I was telling her about what I was going through, but was shocked to see her cruelty, that she wanted money at any cost. She poisoned parents mind against me saying that we are cheating and not giving her money back.For 15-20 years we have been struggling but my parents were so much under sister's influence(I also observed that they were not interested to listen to me,thinking I was lying), they never paid heed when I would tell them about our business losses.
Now after many years of struggle, hubby's new business setup is picking up. This again has created jealousy in my sister. Now after 20 yrs, she wants the money back. We are not denying to give back the money, but the way she has been asking for it, no sympathy for our struggle, that we've kept the condition that unless and until she apologises for torturing us mentally during our bad phase, we'll not return the money. Do you think this is a wise decision?

I am an adult and I am finding myself on the receiving end of some pretty hateful jealousy coming from my younger adult sister. I think there may have always been some jealousy toward me in the past. I guess I could have been considered to be the older, more mature, maybe prettier sister. I was asked out on dates frequently. She wasn't really asked out on dates. But she always had a bit of a dark side to her. In our teens, she began stealing from me, and trying to turn her friends off to me. Even though I thought that every now and then she may act the way she does because of possible jealousy, I tried to understand her, and tried to keep our sisterly relationship intact. I guess in my mind, I didn't want her jealousy to get in the way of our relationship. As we became adults, it seems her jealousy got the better of her. She did things to try to ruin my wedding, she shouted at me for no reason, etc. It seemed to always be something with her. In trying to keep some semblance of a relationship with her, I tried to forgive and forget. I always valued my relationships with friends and family, no matter how challenging. However a few years ago, she really did something that was very hurtful. She was planning a big party for her daughter, and called me to let me know she was planning this party. She said she knew that that particular month was very busy for me, so she wanted to know what date she should set the party for, so that I would be able to attend. She acted like she wanted to ensure that I could go by double-checking what would be a good date for me. I thanked her for being so thoughtful, and said that any date would be fine. She then rephrased the question by saying, "Well, what would be the worst date for you this month?" I then said, well if I have to pick what the worst day would be for me, it would be on ___ date. A couple of weeks later, I received an invitation to the party for that date. The date that she made me state as the worst one. When I responded that I would not be able to make it, she totally freaked out. She went to the family to try to make it appear that I decided not to go for no reason. I've tried to discuss this with her, but she's decided to stick with what she convinced herself to believe. I've tried to contact her over the last several years, but she doesn't respond. This situation has been difficult to accept, but I've done all that I can to try to fix it. She needs to mature a bit.

Oh my, I'm so glad this article is here, although it doesn't tell me how to fix my situation. What can I do when I have totally given up on my 4 sisters? They won't speak to me and that's fine, I HAD to stand for what I believe is the right thing to do, which was try to brighten my mothers spirits during her chemo. The sister that is a year younger than me must have gotten jealous of Mom asking me to take her to get a wig, and now she's made it seem as though I'm running EVERYTHING into the ground. (Also has verbally said as much.) She's always been the one asked to do these things for my mother, this time it was me, and she's made total chaos of my family. I'm not hopeless, believe me, I'm standing tall. But standing tall alone without family hurts. I will say, I will NEVER change my mind, no matter how long it takes them to speak to me. I'm the one my brother moved back home so the 4 sisters of mine decided to make my parents suffer without their presence. Therefore my mother asked me to do these things for her. Childish I know, and especially from 54, 50, 42 and 40 year old women. PATHETIC!!!

I am 22 years old I have two brothers. I am the only girl out of the three of us. I always knew that I was a little spoiled. All of us was really jest by diffrent people. This week end I was at me older brother and sister in law house, with my friend and my middle brother. I'm not sure if my older brother had a little to much to drink, He really attacked me. He even went so far as throwing me on the ground. All he kept saying is you are jest an imitatiom of me. The thing is we have similar personalities, but are very diffrent people. My oldest brother is six year older than me, but I always seem to acomplish thing before him. Like buyimg my first car, moving on my own. I really never thought anything of it. When he did that to me I did not try to fight back cause that's my brother. Most say that I am a fighter, but most of all I was caught off guard. I did not know that's coming at all. From that point on I knew that it was a jealousy issue. My only question was what made my brother attack his sister.

My 40 yrs old sister is wrecking our relationship with her obsessive jealously with me. I forgive and forget but she have never changed. For example, if I say I am going to climb Mt Everest, then I shouldn't be surprise finding her standing on the top of the Mt Everest. She wants to proof something by doing exactly what I am doing or having from men to my profession. I am just so tired and ill because of her behaviour. Pleas email me if you think you can help her think. serome89@yahoo.co.uk Thank you!

I am 38 and my sister is 40. We fought like cat and dog as kids, but I thought we'd got over all that sibling rivalry years ago and we enjoyed a good relationship for a while. Sadly, the birth of our two kids seem to have been the catalyst for jealousy and one-upmanship on her part, which soured our relationship on both occasions. She and her husband decided not to have kids but when we had our two, they really seemed to resent the attention they got from their grandparents. On both occasions, we never saw my sister for months after the birth and she tried to upstage the births with a 'big event' of her own such as a new car or new job. She is flying to live overseas tomorrow, but couldn't find the time to see us and the kids before she went.

I witness this sort of petty behaviour on a daily basis from our eldest daughter, who resents the attention her mum gives to her baby sister, but you don't expect this sort of behaviour from adults!

I strongly agree with the prevention tips of this article. While I may have no statistics or facts to verify whether or not prevention has any qualified grounds to stand on, I do agree that both parties of a fight should be punished regardless of whoever initiated it. I'm the eldest between my sister and I and let me say the fact that my sister never got punished in fights has harbored a great deal of my resentment towards her. I don't know if this stands for all Asian families but it certainly stands within mine, that the notion that as the eldest you should know better, teaches the youngest sibling nothing and is complete bullshit. The result, my sister is now 20 years old and still throws a temper tantrum when things don't go her way. I have now resorted to cutting her out of my life simply because I've had it up to here with her attitude and find her more of a negative aspect in my life than a positive one.

I have siblings that all of a sudden fed me hate and ugly looks. No gifts anymore we were lucky to get a card . mouthy attacks if I contacted them and not even boo at Holidays. Two siblings won't wven speak and turn their backs on us. They started giving the cold shoulder to my 2 children and said they wanted nothing to do with any of us. They have even stopped seeing our parents. I refuse to let bitter people into my life , so I guess they made the right choice by staying away . That just means I don't have to tell them they are not welcome around us unless they get help. I certainly woulden't let my family put up with mean arrogant hateful spitful individuals . Would you ?

My only baby brother is 30 yrs old. All our childhood he told lies to get me in trouble with my mother. I was talented and appreciated by all teachers. He was also good. I have heard teachers says really good things about him. My dad worked away from home and was a weekend dad. I still cannot understand if I contributed to his jealousy or not. But my brother always complained to my mother about me and she always supported him. I pretty much spent all my childhood feeling unsupported and voiceless. Now we are adults and I am in UK. When he first came to UK with his wife and 2 year old son I and my husband supported them for the 1st 2 months. His family stayed in my house. I asked him to pay for the expenses but he didnot. This caused problems in my family. I absorbed all the grief from my husband. After leaving my home my brother and his wife started finding fault with me and my family in every possible way. Now my parents visit us both from India. Whenever they come he creats huge trouble and demands that they should stay with him. If they are with me for few days he disrespects them. Now I feel like I should keep my distance from my parents to protect their dignity and I am very unhappy about it.

Those of u who believe one of ur children is better than the other is really horrible because the truth is that it is all ur fault for making one miserable. The reason why the younger sibling may hate the older one is bacause of favouritism since they were born. Stop blaming one and try to understand from both perspectives!

I need help too.... i have a 1 and a half year younger brother. I think there is something wrong with him. He keeps comparing me to my cousin, and also became closer to her, and parted from me. As a child my parents used to compare me to her (she was a favorite child of all)... just because she was a lot maturer than me at the age of 9, 10 or 11. When i used to play, jump, get dirty n stuff, she would sit and talk to adults in a mature way. Today she even looks 5 years older to me ( we are of same age).
My brother heard all the comparisons and started thinking of me as lame. As i grew, i was compared to him because i tried to do things he did. But i was told that 'since i am a girl' I CANT do some stuff. He heard this as well and took me as inferior. Today i have a serious relationship with a guy, but he doesn't like him at all and threatens to disclose it to my parents. Though h does know about my cousin's bf too (the same mature cousin).
My bf is a little possessive, and my bro gave this as a reason for not liking me. But i know he never had any love for me ever, the reason that some guy is not treating his sister right is not valid at all. He is extremely shallow, and i know that he doesn't like my bf's personality. I know he is not a v.good looking guy...abd i also know this is the only reason. Today he does not talk to me at all, though i try to....but when i get no response. i avoid it for days.
Even i'm smarter, better-looking, slim, and a good scorer. He doesn't study, has no interest in working, spends all my dad's money like water. I'm getting frustrated.

I am 40 and my Brother is 35. My issue goes back a long time.. I have lived in his shadow all my life! I was the the person who had to do everything around the house and I was the only person to get blamed and in trouble for anything.. even things I had nothing to do with. I have always hated my Brother and as he grew up he became a bigger butt hole! He treats my Mother with NO respect and married a lying, back stabbing total spoiled brat. AUG,,, just writing this is making me mad! He took me to court and tried to put me in jail for total bull! He tried to get my husband fired from his job and then turned the whole family against us and got them all to disowned us after things did not go his way! Good reddens jerk! I hate you JARED and can't wait for the day you die cuz my dogs are gonna crap on your grave site as I spit on your tomb stone.

not surprised by the comments from these people my brother is hellish selfish wont work or pay bills sold his wifes car to get money to buy stuff for himself.always gets himself the best clothes .wife goes around in rags.he lives with his wife our mother and her mother.he sponges off them all his wife is older and probably desperate to keep a man after divorcing her first husband.she puts up with him no matter how bad he is.he has run up thousands on credit card debt

I have always had to deal with Jealousy and Envy. I was always somewhat naive and gullible and my siblings always made me pay for it. Then one day it became clear to me that the reason why they attempt to put you down is because they are intimidated by you, jealous or envious of your perceived potential, something they feel they lack or must compensate for by trying extra hard to be successful. One day my sister asked me "Why do you always have to do things with such pizazz?" It wasn't a compliment so much as it was about the undertone of fascinated curiosity based on whats never been experienced by them.
At the end of the day, love your brother, love your sister and love yourself but don't ever let anyone take away your dignity or put you down.

I am the youngest in a family of four girls. My next oldest sister has never forgiven me for taking over her position as baby of the family. (She was six when I was born) It's really ridiculous. Three of us sisters were haviing lunch in a nice restaurant one day when she started a tirade about how I always get special treatment and think anything I do is okay, just because I am me. It got so bad that the owner of the restaurant brought out to us complementary desserts. He said something about for such charming customers. But it was obvious to everyone but her that he was just trying to interrupt her and shut her up cause she was making an unpleasant and embarassing scene.
In fact, her reaction to having a younger sister was to continue to act like the baby of the family to a ridiculous degree. I have been more mature than her practically since birth, but let's say realistically since I was l2. When she was young she had a "lively" personality, was very irascible and would pop off frequently and people considered it real cute and would say "oh, she is such a character". Well, guess what. That kind of behavior is entertaining up to teenage years. It is not amusing beyond the thirties. I'm sorry to say we are now seniors. And she is continuing the "popping off" behavior. From time to time she will get into uncontrollable episodes of screaming at someone who disagrees with her, using foul language, berating the person with every slight she can think of. Later says, "Oh, that was just me. I was on a roll. Everyone knows I'm just a hothead. I say what's on my mind, get it off my chest and get over it" Well, guess what. Those of us who have been blasted by her don't always "get over it". Some of her hurtful words stay with us for years. It's like she vomits all over us and we have to clean it up. That's a gross way to put it, but pretty descriptive. Not too long ago she lost a man she cared a lot about because they had a disagreement and she screamed at him to go to hell. He happens to be a very religious man, told her he could never feel the same about her after she said that, and he didn't. She lost that relationship. She suffered a lot of hurt, but in the end said, "well, he should have understood. I'm just a hothead. I say what I think and get over it". Well, he never did.
I was so jealous of her when I was a preteen to young teenager. She got so much attention just by getting hysterical. It wasn't always negative. Sometimes something would amuse her (usually if it involved her being the center of attention) but her "contribution" to the conversation would always be in a screech. And people would laugh and laugh. I remember thinking (being the quiet one who never said much) what's so funny? She didn't ever say anything remotely interesting or witty. It' was just the screeching that people thought was so cute.
Not cute anymore and she has nothing to replace it with. So has become rather morose and depressed.
Truly, I have been prettier than her and worlds more intelligent since I hit college age. She hates that. She never graduated college. I got two degrees, had three good careers, married a super loving and charismatic man had two adorable children and raised them in a beautiful home in a prestigious area of our county. My sister had an exceptional daughter, tried to llive her llife vicariously through her. That daughter and I were very close. Which wasn't too much of a problem except that sometimes her daughter would talk about how much she loved my house. Made my sister insane. I forgot to mention that in my wedding pictures there is a picture of her throwing rice at me with a look on her face so hateful that you know she was wishing it was a grenade she was throwing at me.
Okay, but that's not the end of the story. My storybook life fell apart. After many years of marriage my adored husband left me. I fell into a depression so deep that I eventually lost most of my friends (most of my mind, in fact) lost my job, nearly lost my home, I am a shattered person, trying to rebuild some kind of life in my sixties. And she's still not happy. She can't stand it when some small thing happens that is good for me, or someone compliments me. Recently she had one of her episodes of screaming at me about having gotten into debt. "How dare you not pay your bills." There was more, but I've said enough. She will never be happy until she is sure that I have nothing that's any better than she has. Which will never happen, because whatever I have lost, I am a smart and thoughtful person trying to have a meaningful life. Anytime I have an opinion that differs from her, or say that some solution that worked for her won't work for me, she gets ballistic just because I'm being different from her. We recently had a disagreement about a political issue, nothing personal. When I get into a disagreement my mind becomes precise. I form my thoughts very distinctly because of wanting to communicate my point accurately. On this evening she said to me "And don't start talking all rationally and logically because you know I don't think that way." She has also criticized me in the past for my vocabulary. Hers is not that limited, but mine is better and she gets furious if I use the word that most specifically says what I mean if it's not one a fourth grader might use.
Funny thing though. I love her. When the chips are down, she has my back and I have hers. So I mostly try to ignore her episodes. But I know the day is going to come when I let her have it about the way she behaves. It might cause a disruption in our relationship. Might be a period of noncommunication. But it won't be permanent because we are sisters and we love each other.
People are wierd, right?

My son is 22 and my daughter is 20 and my daughter has been jealous of my son for as long as I can remember. My son has always been very outgoing, is a good student, and hard worker. My daughter is very shy, has to work hard to get good grades and always tries hard. My son joined the NAVY when he was 19, my daughter joined the ARMY at age 19. She loved it when my son was upset with me and didn't speak to me for nearly 3 years, now that he is speaking to me again, my daughter has disowned me. She still loves, respects and speaks to her brother, but she is so jealous of me talking to my son!! He is stationed in another country so I don't even get to see him, don't even speak to him on the phone, just by msg on myspace once inawhile. I talked to and/or msg my daughter every single day. Since my son came back into my life, my daughter no longer speaks to me except to send nasty msgs to me here and there. What do I do????

I am the youngest of four children. My eldest sister has always had a lot of anger towards my 2nd eldest sister due to her being the favourite but has never let her feelings be known to her, only eveyone else she meets!! The thing is that my 2nd eldest sister, although she is completely aware that she has always been the favourite, even now at almost 50 will not allow anyone else to steel the limelight from her therefore does everything humanly possble to help my elderly dad as she did with my mum through her recent illness and eventual death. She also takes every opportunity to 'grass' on the rest of us to our parents. I believe, as do my brother and sister, that she does this in order to make herself look and feel superior to the rest of us. She has no consideration for anyone else's feelings. I also believe that underneath she has some kind of a mental health issue where she feels inadequate because she can not stand for anyone to have or do anything better than her. She is the type of person that enjoys confrontation and is cruel and nasty at times yet generous and overly helpful at others. My eldest sister is consumed with ill feeling for her which has affected the whole of her life. My brother has swore he'll never speak to her again after she has just caused a massive problem with our dad. It is all very sad. Families eh?!?!?

Agree with most of it but each family is unique ! My adult siblings were always cold people even as children. They just got worse and worse as they got older. I was always careing and compationate with others and had many friends and still have many more than they do. They have decided to push people out of their lives early on, holding grudges from a past and not liking their in-laws. They were hateful to neighbors and went out of their way to be mean to extended family and freinds. My father estranged himself ftrom his family years and years ago and is a cold fish also. They must have run out of people to treat with disrespect because now they treat us hateful and don't give a S*** for my husaband me or my son . When I speak with them or see them they are verbally abusive . I foresee their futures as their kids doing the same to them one day. And when their is nobody left in their lives we will not be there either. Too much hate to ever forgett about !!!!!!!!!!!!!! My sister in law is the same way and turns out her kids have chosen to get away from her just like I predicted . Somtimes what comes around goes around. I will be here for nieces and nephews and a brother in law but no siblings ever.

I am the divorced parent of two children--a daughter who is now 28 and a son who is now 25. My daughter is very bright and could probably do anything she put her mind to. She is a person who is sensible and clever, but she has had serious self-esteem problems for most of her life. Despite her direct, sometimes offensive behavior, I believe she is someone whose feelings are hurt very easily. Her younger brother had a learning disability, along with A.D.D., but he was always very likeable and easy to get along with. Because of his learning problems we enrolled my son in a Montessori school when he was 8 and, looking back on it now, that was the beginning of the serious problems that have plagued these siblings ever since. It is hard to imagine there would be anything my son could do or say that would not be met with scorn. Even now, after all the verbal abuse he has taken from his sister, he would still be willing to try to develop a strong bond with her. Unfortunately, she seems to be even more upset with him than ever--even despite the fact that she has recently become engaged to a man who loves her deeply and who cares a lot about her. Both my daughter and my son have severed ties with their father and I wonder if my daughter is planning to do the same thing with my son. Finally, everyone who meets my kids has nothing but positive things to say about them. As a parent this situation causes me a lot of pain and I don't know how to handle this. Any advice would be most welcome. Toronto

I have two daughters who both have so many things going for them. They hurt each other terribly - are full of jealousy and anger - and I cannot figure out why. The competition between them is horrible to watch and I cannot be /will not be with them anymore when they attack each other, intentionally misunderstanding each other and making each other feel terrible. They are exquisitely good at it. Sometimes they take turns being cruel so they can feel noble and justified because they are being sensible and the other is not.

I am beginning to think that the main purpose to what they are doing is to destroy my ability to feel any love and joy in their presence. If so, it's working. I refuse to be an audience to their cruelty anymore.

I've read several comments and found some similarities with my own case but no one who confessed to be jealous. Well, Ladies and Gentlemen I'm NOT proud to say that I am jealous of my elder brother but at least I'm honest and try to find a way out to defeat this terrible feeling. I feel guilty and sad when I realize I have just bad mouthed my brudda and hurted my parents. I no longer want to feel this envy, it is out of my control- The reason why I am jealous is because of his easy life, I tell to myself he does not deserve what he has achieved for he has not worked hard enough to get all this , on the other hand I realize it is not his fault if luck was on his side, so whay should I hate him? Because my life is disappointing? It is no one's fault if one gets better chances. I'll try to do my best to go ahead and not compare my unsuccessfull life with his brilliant one, even though it is hard. Let's have the guts to challenge jealousy
PS: parents and relatives give a large contribute to create conflits amongst siblings!

My 43 year old half sister behaves like she likes me yet she spreads vicious untrue gossip about me behind my back. I am so hurt and disappointed. Ironically, she is the prettier sister, smarter and older. Yet, she is insecure , competitive and hateful towards me.

Funny thing is- my Mom TRIES to make us jealous of each other. We have one sister she has completely favored in every way. Its known fact she is the favorite. My mom always tells her we are jealous of her. Well.. Mother- maybe when I was 5 years old, now that I am an adult I can see how pathetic her life has become with you being so closely involved and I feel sorry for her. BACKFIRE!

i am 50 years old. was raised the youngest of 4 , lived with my dad. my mom had 2 other daughters. now mom has passed away and my only sister that i grow up with - also. my brother has gotten into relationship with our half sister and its like I am not included. she has twisted my words and family supported her and all turned against me.. this is so wierd, i feel so angery. and yet trying to move on with out them.. i find this confusing.. it just dont seem right and yet theres nothing i can do to stop the damages all ready done.. it confusing enough to accept this change in family position = gone from the youngest to the middle child, also being a big sister, and yet not allowed to be, because i'm olimanated. it's like she is getting or taking whats mine..or also mine.. does that make sence?

I am so grateful for this article and the rsponse . I won't go into all the horrible things I have experienced, but I will say that I am 51 with 1 younger sister and 2 older brothers. None of us get along, however, I have spent my whole life trying to win there love. They hate me and they are cruel to me. Its as if I am bait over a Shark Tank. Just when I think they love me, BOOM! They gang up and hate me! I am slowley trying to let go. I know that things are not going to change. My mother died when we were very young and I am now caring for my Dad who is at end of life. I love him very much and he has always been my only advocate, defending me every step of the way.. I don't know what I will do when dies. I take confort knowing however that its not me.

I am 42 and the youngest of 3 kids..my second brother who is married with 2 boys does all he can when it comes to our family and my aging parents. He does his best to split his time between his family and my folks. As for my parents oldest child, he is 59, been married 5x, 4 children with 2 different women and I took in his first born when I was 19. He is an abusive, self serving, selfish drunk who to this day still asks my parents for stuff without doing one thing for them. My parents are pushing 80 and he had the balls to ask my parents to buy him a house and he has nothing! 59 yrs old and can't do anything for himself, yet has no issues to complain that my other brother and I are spolied. My parents being old school do their best and asked us for help to find a house for him that would not cost allot, which we were successful in doing, so what does this dumbass do, say thanks but I want to liver further north and hires his own real estate agent, so on top of asking for hand outs he is going to dictate what they buy him...needless to say my dad finally stood up and said take it or leave it, let me tell you it it am amazing house. Now with all this said, this past weekend we celebrated my Dad's bithday with all of the family, everything was going good until he got
drunk got pissed about something and left witout saying a word to my parents!! Talk about a useless waste of skin and air!! I would love to drop him on his ass and kick the crap out of him as he deserves absolutely nothing from my parents as they paid for 2 weddings, 3 divorces and 2 houses which he has nothing to show for it!!

I found this article interesting since I have been experiencing really negative experiences with my younger sister. I am the oldest daughter and always got on well with both my younger sisters. I have lived with the middle sister for the last 5 years. She has started becoming impossible to live with as she criticises the most trivial of things about me, puts me down whenever she can and explodes at the slightest provocation. The funny thing is I always saw her as the outgoing friendly cheerful daughter, whereas I was the serious academic one. That was cool by me as I am not naturally extrovert and am happy in my space. I think her behaviour towards me became more antagonistic when I was promoted recently. The irony is that she was seen and liked to be seen as the high-flier, career woman, and always looked at me as a bit of a naive geek. She wears the best clothes, drives a BMW, goes on exotic holidays. I don't drive, don't really care about designer clothes and am happy to go to the coast for a holiday. That's what I can't understand...she always laughs at my naivete and lack of sophistication, my dress sense, my looks. She is slim and glamorous, I am overweight. I cannot see why she is jealous of me. She recently revealed to me that she was leaving her job as she had not been promoted to the level she was expecting. All her anger and resentment towards me finally made sense. I don't know what I can do about this, our relationship is very tense and I get very upset when she is angry and shouts/swears at me. My mum expects me to absorb it all as I am the eldest and "should know better". She thinks I'm being childish for letting my sister upset me. I thought I was going mad, so it is a relief to know that I'm not the only one out there who has these experiences and perhaps the best thing is not to take them personally.

I'm 40 years old. My parents are both dead. I have 12 siblings. I am the youngest.
No one calls me when one of the others get hurt or have health problems, they all think I was spoiled, and frankly, I'm tired of the attitude I still get from them, though I have always tried so hard to let them know how much I love them.

Although I'm sure there may be some Freudian roots or childhood incidents/foreshadowing to some cases, the bottom line is that an adult sibling(s) is not respecting their relative as an adult and then resorts to damaging behavior. Sometimes they do this for control, or for cruel entertainment purposes, or perhaps from untreated mental disorders.
I find that my fault lies in *I wish* syndrome: I wish I had loving, supportive siblings, or *I wish* this Christmas we can have an extended family celebration that is loving and fun. This wishing is not productive, as it's just not reality, and you set yourself up for disappointment and hurt.
I lived overseas for many years and moved back to provide support to a sick relative. In the meantime, my siblings have gotten married, have children, and I thought, grew up. I quickly realized after moving back, that I was wrong. Some of their problems from childhood (stealing, lying, financial problems at university and early adulthood) blossomed into something out of control. Although I have regularly given them (and their children) gifts over the many years, I can not give them loans, and they hate this fact.
Things seemed to get worse when my parents died. My siblings no longer have someone to financially bail them out, as my parents used to do, and they hate it. My one sibling was pressuring me to take out a bad loan on my house to loan them some money, and they were was furious when I declined. My siblings, and one in particular, spreads vicious or hurtful lies about me and my children, and, being a master manipulator, they can be very convincing. I am reduced to only talking about the weather with this one, or my words become twisted with their re-telling.
As my siblings are getting on in years (in their 50's), I don't think they will change. My siblings are extremely manipulative. After we haven't talked for weeks or months, I'll get a call with a gracious invitation, which sounds nice, like: we'll have Thanksgiving, and you bring dessert." So I'll accept. Then I'll receive another phone call with an outrageous request like "we've decided you will have the dinner at your place, you need to make the dinner, provide the alcohol and drinks, desserts, and in addition to the family, we are inviting 10 of our friends," knowing that I am on a tight budget and I can not do it all. So I say I can not pay for a large number of people, and I decline. Then I get nasty, vicious e-mails and phone calls - I even don't have an answering machine at home because of the terrible or strange messages that would await me from my sibling(s).
I will add that my siblings also changed my parents' will, which did state everything was to be split equally, and stole my inheritance money. Neither of my siblings own a home, both due to terrible financial habits and spending, despite getting the money of stealing my inheritance. I decided against legal action because they have no money (it seems to disappear in a flash) or home, and their pay would be docked. But their actions regarding my parents' estate and stealing from me has been very hurtful.
There are so many outrageous stories I could really write a book - and it's an embarrassing secret to carry, too. It's a soap opera I never wanted to be a part of. However, I am at fault, too, as I need to wake up and not be so naive or easily initially manipulated, just because it's "family." I need to realize the reality: instead of getting together for what I am hoping to be a warm, fuzzy holiday, there is always some stressful fiasco with my sibling(s) cancelling last minute, screaming, breaking things, drunken tirades, etc. - just awful stuff. I care about my siblings and wish them well, but it is so emotionally draining to have to interact with them, and ultimately, terribly depressing.
I really think the only healthy solution is to move - to a far-away location. I'm working on that...in the meantime, I need to be more wary and really protect myself and my own family from this toxic situation.

" OH " , mean, jelous children are who they are. They usually grow up to be the same way. They don't seem to have many friends, kick people out of their lives including family members and they are not someone you enjoy being around. But nobody ever talks about how these children can mend what is in them . I gave up a while ago , and just don't want them in my life because of the way they are. If they can't change their hate, I certainly will not stay around and walk on egg shells for them . Everything makes them unhappy and I am not willing to continue living around this !!!!!!!!!!

I'm 44 my sister is 42. She behaves like an evil monster, bringing pain to her husband, me, our parents, and depriving my niece of acquaintance with her relatives. She doesn't care. I'm convinced she is psycho. Her husband and I share laughs about her bizarre behavior all the time. Strange, her anti-social behavior is bringing the rest of the family closer with each other, as we all try to cope with her infantile antics and lament for her daughter.

I am the eldest of three siblings and I was always expected to be responsible, to look after my siblings and family. I was also the most punished by my parents because my siblings learnt from my mistakes and didn't do the things that would get them punished, learnt to lie about the things that would get them punished, or my parents simply ran out of energy to punish them by the time they became rebellious teens. I am now 34, doing a PhD, I am not bad-looking (I think), and I have some creative talents. I still have not forgotten the fact that my parents were hard on me, easy on the youngest sibling (a boy, his gender is highly valued by my father), and that my sister who was born after my mother had a miscarrige, is the favourite yet she is very jealous of me. My spoilt sister needs to be the centre of attention. I have just come to realise this and made peace with the fact that she is not a mature person... and that despite years of her trying to sit on my chest to suffocate me, or trying to drive into traffic while I was in the car, it is not because of ME... it is all HER. She often has screaming fits directed at me. She said that I get everything... I went to an expensive private school, an expensive university, and SHE could also do a PhD if only I DIDN'T go to an expensive university (because then my parents could pay for her to do a masters degree). She has tried to emulate me in some ways: my father wanted me to be a lawyer, now she is a lawyer (I am not). It seems that I can't have anything unless I want to make her furious. Years ago, I tried to tell my parents that my uncle sexually abused me... when I told my sister about it, she said, "everyone has a funny uncle". The plain fact is... my sister is happy when shit happens to me UNLESS other people care about it. I have tried to make peace with her. I have thought long and hard about MY ROLE in this drama and I have given up ten years of my life to try to be with her... I even wrote to her when I was overseas, I sent her postcards and pictures and whatnot (she never wrote back). So I give up. I don't care. I know my parents are unhappy with me because I don't want to attend family gatherings but I'd rather be "the bad guy" because I don't do "family stuff" than have to feel the blood drain from my face every time she's in the room.

I will stop writing after this. Reading my last post, I realize that I must be fairly spoiled. I just expect things to go my way. My life hasn't been the easiest the past two years, and I guess it has made me extremely bitter. My older sister got a job in Dubai, India. So she's moved out. In the meantime, I myself have not even been able to get a job where I live. Admittedly, all I have is a high-school diploma. But I could not help it if I could not afford to go to college! I'm tired of being rejected by every job I've applied for, even menial labor. I feel absolutely worthless. The reason I don't consider going back to school is because I simply can't afford it. I'm got thousands of dollars in debt. I realize now that the spending was a way to compensate for something that was lacking in my life. My own jealousy and bitterness has left my empty. At thirty, I didn't expect myself to be still living at home, unemployed. I guess this is what you would call a midlife crisis. I'm not sure where to go from here. I've got some freelancing going on, but the pay is terrible. Not exactly something I could live on. I'm so bent on proving myself better than my siblings that I can't see anything else. In fact, I want to prove to society that I am actually worth the air I breathe. But how do I do that, when I can't even find a real job?

I'm so glad that I found this site. My younger sister (she is 22, I am 26) is making my and my parents life a living hell. Every month or so she will have an insane outburst of screaming, crying and verbal abuse ("I hate you!" "You're a piece of shit!" "you're selfish" "you're immature!!" "I HATE YOU ALL!!!" etc.). It has recently turned to physical abuse with her pushing my mother during her tantrums. I don't understand where any of this comes from, really. I'm starting to wonder if she has something wrong with her psychologically, and the physicality is definitely making it more of a probability and definitely making it more serious. I am almost afraid to be in my own home because I don't want to deal with her verbal abuse. She says horrible, extremely hurtful things. She has told my parents that I "lie to them" about various things (I don't, but even if I did, I'm 26 for Christ sake--it's not her business!). These fights usually revolve around her hatred for my mother and myself. We are not abusive people... we are a very loving, close family and I feel very safe at home... just not when she is around. I don't know what to do anymore. Counselling? She is so difficult to talk to about this and it's not like she will EVER admit that she is jealous of me in any way (which most people I've spoken to about this issue have said "she's jealous"). I have tried to maintain a relationship with her... I used to confide in her, but now I can't because I don't trust her. She has done this her whole life, from when she was 2 until now... and it's getting ridiculous. Any insight would be fantastic, PLEASE.

I'm 21. My brother has just got a promotion (one of many) and will be in charge of the commercial side of a bank which sees him covering the whole east of England. He was previously in charge of around 5 counties, and is himself already a director..nice bmw company car..flexible hours..his new promotion will be just one more thing on his list,, His new promotion will see him moving 1.5 hours away. I'm not jealous in a nasty way, I dont see him that often and he lives 5mins way.. I never spent time with him growing up (he has a wife and two children) he is 40.. so i feel asthough i never knew him properly. But i now feel a jealousy inside me,, he has suceeded and i doubt i could ever dream of the salary they have offered him. I doubt I will earn as much as he was even say 3-4 promotions back..

I guess im at the point in my life called the crossroads. Sure im at uni and doing well.. have a steady relationship.. but I dont have a clear path yet. I really want a successful career one day. I know my own mind and what its capable of.. but my brother defys the rules.. he is a smart man but not at uni level.. but his key is his attitude.. he is a very nice guy.

Part of me wishes I was him, And thats messing with my head.. because I like me!

I know i will only ever see him in formal events.. birthdays etc.. i was hoping one day to change that especially as his children are getting to puberty ages etc.. thats one chunk of life i can never explore. Damn.

Today my sister hurt me as she has to at least once every six months, she is a control freak who decides no-one can do it like her and then has to tell everyone that she finds it so hard having to do everything. The hurtful things she said this morning are still making me upset now and have interrupted my whole day of study and being a mum. All because our dad 'favours' me...she's a 35 year old successful woman, married with an owned very smart house and two beautiful kids. I am unemployed in the career I did a masters in, living in a rented flat in a city with my wonderful man with our baby. I asked her 'what more did she want?' She's got me at my lowest ebb and still she attacks me with 'you have always been the favoured child and get a job seen as you have a masters dad paid for' ...which is all well and good but factoring childcare means I would probably make about £80-100. I don't make judgements (and if I do I keep them to myself) on her or boss her about in her life so why does she have right to in mine. I'm 30! ..but she always brings up 'oh typical response from you, you are ALWAYS like this' ...but I am not. I am liked, I have friends- I told her that if we weren't sisters I wouldn't choose as a friend, but she doesn't care....and then she tells me she would do anything for me and that she 'loves me' I couldn't and still can't say the same back...when my dad is no longer here I don't see the point of being someones 'punchbag' just because she tells me she loves me.

To Disgusted in North Carolina (the first post):
I am relieved to read your story, not glad that this is your life, but that I am not alone.
I am 23 and have two older siblings, a sister over 30 years old and a bother who is 26.
I don't feel that the standard youngest child syndrome symptoms apply to me. I am not selfish, I have always helpful and I do not demand attention or require that things go my way and never have I been spoiled. However, my whole life I watched my brother be treated differently than my sister and I. Unlike most families who hold the only boy to unreachable standards I always felt that he could get away with murder and it was okay because as my grandmother repeatedly said in the most pitiful voice, "He is the only boy and he doesn't have anyone to play with...".
My mother raised 3 children on her own and from as far back as I can remember I always wanted to help and make things easier for her. Unfortunately my brother does the exact opposite. He has no concern for anyone other than him self and drains my mother (and in the past my grandparents) dry. He only makes life harder for my mother who deserves so much better. It wasn't until this Thanksgiving that I realized that my mother is not stupid, she has to know after 26 years of taking care of this man-child what she is in for and but it maddens me. I can't understand why she continues to be abused. I know she dealt with empty nest as I grew up but our relationship has been so good the past year or so I really thought she had moved on from needing to be needed. But it appears that with my brother she can still be the mommy who makes everything okay. Every action I take to do something helpful or nice for my mother is almost immediately counteracted by something selfish or destructive by my brother.
Worse, she is upset by the fact that I am not close to him. How can I be close to anyone, brother or not, that causes so much destruction? He was never a brother who helped me in anyway. all he ever did was torment and ridicule me and others in the family. His actions serve no consequences and he is always viewed as the conquering hero of any situation. I question whether I am jealous that I am not the one getting that attention but I truly do not think it is so. I am not upset that when I showed up on time for Thanksgiving dinner (or my grandfather's funeral for that matter) that I was not greeted with shouts of praise and jokes but more so that even though he was too busy being hung over, or sleeping in or with some random girl, or whatever excuse it was to show up on time as soon as he walks in the trumpets start and everyone is just so pleased that he graced us with his presence.
This behavior would be unacceptable for anyone other than him. It is so isolating to be the only one who feels this way. I think you should stick beside your family but I was always taught that loving someone unconditionally does not mean that you become blind. You have to be there to help them understand right from wrong and help them onto the right path. So why is he the exception to this rule?
Recently, I have so many dreams of trying to confront these issue. Most times, I speak and no one can hear me, talk about a metaphor. I really want to get past this issue but it continues to happen so how can I let go? My husband so that by getting upset I am letting him win but it feels so out of my control, how does one not get upset by sheer injustice? When everyone in the room is singing the praises of this person who causes them all so much pain I just want to get out.
If you have any similar feelings or ideas on coping, please! let me know.
-Living in a flawed shadow

I am a 33 year old designer, soon to be mommy and happily married to a wonderful man. I too have shared similar problems with my older sibling. Looking back at my family history we were definitely a dysfunctional family but that doesn't give the excuse for my older sister to have become what she had become. Ever since we were little I remeber her always pushing me around and treating me less of a person, she was always angry and irritated over the littlest things and everything got to her. .She always associated her anger with violence. Which she was never afraid to attack no matter where we are or who was there. It never occurred to me what it was then, but looking back now she definitley had Jealousy isssues,bipolar issues and anger issues along with delusion. Ever since I can remeber she always wanted to be famous. And everyday she lived her life like she was.When it came to day by day life everything was a lie you cant believe anything she says,it got to a point where she believed her own lies which was crazy to me.She was always broke or needing a place to stay. She never had anything stable in her life to stand on her own two feet, it was like a teenager that just did what she wanted to do and expected everyone else to bail her out. I always had a job. I had been homeless before I know what its like to not eat and I promised myself I would never be in that situation ever again. Every few months she always needed help and i was always helping her. Looking back I wish I wouldve said no sometimes. She definitely stresses me out and has zero care.Throughout her stays and money borrowing she was always disrespectful and always expected me to just help. Fast forward to my move to NY with my husband,I had the wonderful opportunity to not have to work.I then took that opportunity and started my handbag line. We live in a gorgoeus apt in the city,no financial problems,and genuinely happy! During this time my sister is lingering around me again with her usual needing a place to stay or money to borrow. As usual I always help, I always looked at it like shes my family i have to help. When it got to a point where all she wanted was to benefit from me I started to resent her. The money borrowing was constant and if I said no she becomes completely upset and starts an argument.I went as afar as to helping her with a cell phone,bills, MTA card you name it! One particular day she agreed to pay for a bill which I was happy to help since shes so broke all the time. When the bill came she became this irrational person that was completely against the agreement all of a sudden. She yelled horrible things and had this murderous look in her eyes. It was insane.Overall her antics just got to me and I had to cut her out of my life. With her in it, there was always drama, there was always some kind of calamity, i never had privacy with her ringing my bell and I started to realize this is a damn near 40 year old woman who just cant get it together.Currently she is living with my mother of which the apartment my mom lives in, I pay for. My sister is just an unstable loser that cant do anything for herself. I am happier now and more stress free without her around. I look back at so many things, a lot of which I didnt mention, and I just absolutely hate her. I try not to hate anyone but she has crossed so many lines in so many ways that it has broken me. I am happier now that I dont speak or communicate with her, it was the best decision I ever made.

I am the clever one, my sister is the beautiful one. My father (one parent family) constantly emphasised "our strengths" so much so that what we were lacking became the main focus for both of us. It seems my sister has learnt to deal with the difference in intellectual capability no problem.. but I cannot handle it when my boyfriend notices how beautiful my sister is.. i wish I could be happy that my sister is so beautiful but I cant.. I am looking for an easy answer but it is not easy to stop this big feeling from bringing me down and after a small episode it can keep me down for a number of days. To parents out there.. my advice is just stop comparing. full stop.

I don't truly understand my situation and as many of you, I have pondered my role and wondered if there is anything that I could do differently.

I am in my late twenties and I have a big sister who is in the late thirties. I think that she might be jealous of me. She is acting strange, however, this behavior didn't begin until she was about age 13.

When I was younger, I wouldn't really consider myself the center of attention. In fact, I was sometimes punished for things that my big sister did because she would allow my parents to think that I did it. Yet, I eventually became an established musician and my parents liked this. She took lessons on several instruments, but never became proficient enough to play one song without stopping and she can't even play the scales. She tried to become a singer, but she is tone deaf. Yet, she is blessed with talents of her own. She is an excellent photographer and visual artist. However, in public, she loves to claim that she plays more instruments than me (even at my concerts).

When I was seven years old, I went through a phase in which I would hug and kiss everyone in the family at least once or twice a day. This only lasted for a few months and I grew out of it. The next year, my big sister, who was 13 at the time, went through the same phase but on a more extreme level. She would force people in the family to kiss her if they were annoyed by it. In her thirties, she still does this. She is not married and works two part-time jobs. She has a college degree, although it took her 13 years to complete it because of academic problems. Her degree makes her eligible for large corporate jobs. Yet, when she is offered one, she turns it down to cling to her part-time jobs so that she can sleep in for most of the day. No one can talk her out of this and she can hardly contribute her share to the household.

Yet, she constantly spies on me and tries to do whatever she thinks that I'm planning to do first. During the time that she is not sleeping and is out and about, she will follow me in her car, if possible. She even steals information from me or about me and tries to tell my parents first so that I can appear to be dishonest. For instance, if I receive my paycheck a day earlier than usual and she finds me at the mall, she will rush to tell our parents that I was at the mall spending the money so that it will appear that I wasn't going to contribute my share for the bills (which I am always on time with my family contribution). She always wants me to look bad to the family.

Furthermore, anything that I do that she cannot do, she will make it appear to be insignificant. For instance, if I say "would you be able to attend my concert tomorrow?" She'll say, "sure, baby-waby... the little baby-waby is giving a chicken-buggy-wuggy concert. Of course, I'll be there... baby-waby... isn't that cute... a little concert." She almost sounds deranged or something when she talks like this. Also, she never compliments me after the concerts. Even if a professor or profound classical musician says 'your sister is really great', she'll just shrug her shoulders or something or say 'well, I can play three instruments!'

I completely don't understand what's going on with my sister and why she acts the way that she does. For a while, my parents tried to blame it on me and say that I must have mistreated her for her to act this way. I do not recall doing anything to deserve this.

I'm wondering if part of the problem with sibling jealousy is that many incidents seem to be a threat to our very identity, our self confidence, our self esteem. Any personal shortcomings, any flaws or self doubts, that we see in ourselves cannot be dismissed as blame on parents, environment, or childhood when our siblings overcome the same obstacles. But still, we want to blame someone, something else. They were the favourite, they were lucky, they didn't have the same problems that we did.

It can suck when you realize that it has more to do with you & your own relationship with yourself, than it has anything at all to do with your siblings. Still, it's extremely difficult to deal with such strong emotions, even when you can rationalise what you feel & why. What are you supposed to do with these emotions??? At the moment, I hate my sister. So much for mature insight.

Well it rings true for me, I am the middle child which was the pretty one out of the three. Most sucessful too. Older sister is green with envy, will knock me down with family members an likes to say I am not my fathers daughter she says horrible things that I just can no longer forgive or forget. I don't feel love for her only pity, that she wasted her life with me could have been so sweet an loving. But she is selfish an jealous of, & not just me but evey one is wrong an she is always right. Her life has always been total chaos, an I simple cannot entertain her for a minute. She hates me an jealous an vindictive. I won't have nothing to do with her since the death of baby sister that died was my soul sister an I was very close to her not older. Now I am stuck with an albatross of a sister that is a stranger to me how sad is that? JWTX

This article is very interesting and holds alot of truth, I am 25 and I have an older sister that to this day cannot seem to let go of the past and just move on. After many years, several apologies and arguments .. things are worse than ever. she hates me because I have a great husband, had a nice wedding, and because I have friends. She has always taken it to an entire diffrent level... she tries to lure my friends to hate me and make herself look like the victim. I feel bad for her and I cry alot because I only envy a good relationship with her. She blames my dad for giving me more attention as a child. It wasnt my fault I was just that: a child. She went so far to get attention that she had kids at a young age, married at a young age and now is battling a prescription drug addiction that she claims is non existant. I want to help her and everytime it ends up in a bad argument, she then ruins my reputation with family and friends. I feel so embarassed, hurt most of the time. Everything is a competition with her including family attention. I live in a diffrent city, and go to a diffrent church and she stil manages to make up things to fight with me about. I dont know what to do :(

I'm in my 40's and have an older brother and younger sister. I am super super close to both my parents and we get along so beautifully and travel and have fun together. Growing up I was always quiet and withdrawn...a complete introvert. My brother and sister were nasty and always judged everyone and everything growing up, that you just learned to keep quiet. My little brother stayed to himself. When I moved out after college, I came into my own. I became a complete extrovert and realized I loved people and doing things and just being me. I also became more outspoken and free spirited. Well...the rivalry my little sister has with me is insane and ridiculous. It's only become worse over time...always competing for my mother's love. She's always lying and backstabiing me, telling my parents "you always take her side. You've always liked her better than me." "Mom...do something. you have to put her in her place." My older brother is far worse. He's married to a witch who hates me for no reason, other than I didn't want to be friends with her horrid, abusive sister. She never forgave me and has added to my older brothers hatred. It's getting so bad with their lies, that I'm now banned from seeing my niece and nephew. I've been accused of saying things to the children, that I absolutely never said. My words have been manipulated and miscontrued and I've been made into this horrible person. I've heard stories about my life being twisted and turned around. The funny thing...I only see them once a year. The stories they're getting are from my little brothers wife who I thought was my only friend. Turns out, she's siding with my older brother and his wife, giving them any info on what I'm doing with my life, who I'm dating, where I'm working, if I'm miserable, am I fighting with any friends...etc. My brother in turn will take the story and turn it into some horror show. If I don't show up to a family party, they get upset and ask everyone where I am. They can't wait for me to show up so they can find something on me, just to pick me apart. My parents have my back 100%. It kills my brother and sister...and my sis-in-law. My parents are always defending me, which infuriates them more. My mom said I will tell her when she's wrong, and stick up for her when she's right...and she's right. She doesn't bother you or even go near you, yet you always make up a horrible story about something she's done. He's tarnishing my repuation now. It's getting out of hand. At my uncle's funeral he bashed me to the ground when my cousin told him if it weren't for me, she would have fallen apart. He got so angry. I don't know what to do. My parents are exhausted. I'm exhausted. I cry all the time. There's no talking to them, I've tried and they use everything I say against me and turn it. I can't win. I stay away, and they go crazy so they make up stuff.

This is a great subject. While road tripping with my older sister, I came to the realization that she was the source of my insecurities and mental problems. I spent my young age mimicking her; she was my hero. My sister, though, felt differently about me and let me know constantly. In our older age, she still picks at me- my appearance, life choices. She does this in front of others and she does it as if she is so very clever. I think the mistake I continue making with her is treating her like she is faultless, a queen. She has become something of an insecure narcissist. I feel bad for her because she has dealt with her weight her whole life and she is mentally weak and starving for love. This is why I can't stay angry or be "mean" by telling her the truth. In our youth, our fights sometimes resulted in her becoming violent- she actually tried to choke me. I try to ensure she has little to pick on me now by being careful what I say to her. I am trying to be more confident and not so self conscious as now I have grown into someone who waits for others to insult me out of the blue as she does.

I hate that this is such a common problem. I have two children.The oldest is my son, now thirty -soon to be thirty one. My youngest is my daughter who just turned twenty one. I have always known there was some jealousy but I had no idea of the depth of that jealousy until the last ten years. My son would always say all of the things that were not fair about his childhood but then conclude with "don't get me wrong...I had great parents! I have beat myself mentally, trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I truly believe that we did the best we could with both. Obviously, my son doesn't share the same feeling.
My son is very smart - to the point he didn't really develop good study habits because if he could read it - he could retain it. However, he hated school and cut on a regular basis. Because of this, we made him pay his car insurance. We bought him a car, not an expensive one but mechnically sound. He ended up taking his GED and joining the Marines. Life was good for awhile.
As soon as his sister got her license and he learned that we paid her insurance, he has been bitter to the point, when he is drinking - it comes up over and over....
She stayed in school and made good grades and we felt that we could afford to pay her insurance- an incentative.... Both were told we would pay for four years of college but if they flunked any semester - they would have to go on their own dime. Our son refuesed. Even after getting out of the Marines we aggreed to help him but he just wasn't interested.
Well, our daughter was in a relationship that we didn't approve of but we realized it was her decision. She moved out for about two weeks her senior year of high school. We told her she could come home anytime but things would be different. One being because she chose to move out, we would not pay for four years of college. Once she was back on the right course, we aggreed to help her with her school loans - paying the interest. and gas money etc. She has never complained about this deal but her brother feels cheated- we gave her an out to her bad decision. This decision was not made to make her pay or control her, it was made to let her know when you make decisions, there are consequences - some that come with a price or changes that you can't undo. To be honest- she made one mistake -yes it was pretty bad- I would have loved to just pay her tuition but felt as parents, my husband and I needed to stay firm with our original decision...
She has always been close to her brother and they have always spoken openly. We have two grandchildren- one that came with the package deal and the youngest is my son's. We love them all and have been really proud of the support they give each other. Again though, my daughter was asked to babysitt the two boys- one which is ten and has been expelled from school on a regular basis. She agreed but said she was looking for a real job so she could commit to the entire summer.My son and his wife was told this up front and to have a back up plan. For the record, we said we didn;t think this was a good idea - a $100 week with no spending money to take the boys on day trips was not going to be good for the boys or their aunt. Well, because of bad behavior from the oldest ( hitting punching and kicking), she turned in her noticed-promising to finish the week up. My son's wife told him she just quit so he was pissed. He called me telling me I needed to talk to her. I said they needed to work it out between themselves. She is 21 and he is 30, I didn't feel the need to get in the middle. He says we always take her side and she always gets more- so he has cut us out of his and his son's life. ???
I haven't made a list of things we have done for him versus what we have done for his sister because I know there are so many factors that have a bearing on decisions - maturity, financial situation, etc. To say we love them both equally but diffently is pointless because he doesn;t believe it...thus the green eyed monster lives among us....
It's so sad that you have to wait for something bad to happen to bring you bakc together...

It's fascinating to read all of these entries which date as far back as two years. Even more interesting is the fact so many people share such acutely similar and significant experiences they've had with family members. I feel glad about this because I have many experiences to add being the youngest of three girls and for years I felt that the negative experiences were only apparent to myself. Now I see others experience it too and with the great regret of a loss of a brother or sister to jealousy and ill feeling. I have two sisters who are 10 and 12 years older than me. My father died when I was 16 and that's when the animosity started. At the time I didn't understand why they were so indifferent to the situation when both my mother and myself were distraught. My mother was immediately prescribed Diazepam which was a mistake because it stopped her from going through the grieving process, keeping her mood up when she should have gone through the grief and remorse, eventually coming to terms with the situation. Often when I became upset she would accuse me of being silly and that I should 'grow up'. This really scared me as I never had any memory of her being like this and I felt alone but suddenly surrounded by people I no longer recognised. My sisters agreed with her that no one should mourn the loss of my dad because he was a bad person. He wasn't, just not a great father but he had died and I didn't see how they could expect to control how everyone else felt about it. At the time I felt I lost the rest of my family too and this made it much worse for me. Being young and not being able to speak to members of your family about things for fear of being judged really affected my relationship with them. Mainly because I thought i'd done something to deserve that sort of response from them but as time went on and i got older, I realised I didn't and this has lead to complete non-communication between myself and them. I tried in the years after my fathers death to be friends and have a relationship with them because I wanted sisters. However, i can count numerous times when again things would be said and done which would leave me feeling like I did when i was 16. Now I understand this problem will not get fixed and it's hard to feel such estrangement towards people of whom you also have happy memories of. Tears spring to my eyes now and I'm 32, plenty of time to get over it but you never do. If anyone reads this who has or has had a similar situation to me when they've felt isolated by their family, you have to let them go and allow them to feel what they do however misguided or unfair it may be. I was too young to understand at the time and spent years hoping they'd change back to how they were before my father died and that we'd be a happy family but they didn't, and i wasted my time. Other people will help you. It was 1995 back then and things are better for people now so no one needs to be surrounded by people who won't help or support you.

I am 29 years old and my jealous sister is 40 years old. I am the youngest from 3, my brother being the middle and 31 years old. I would say that I am very down to earth and my sister being the opposite. When things are not going her way she lashes out at me especially when it comes to her break ups with guys. At 29 I have achieved alot more than my sister has and I'm still improving that. The three rivalries mentioned on attractiveness, intelligence and success, is certainly what my sister does to me. My mum favours my brother compared to us girls but I dont care because I believe my brother needs that stabillity more than I do. My mum did seem to favour me more so over my sister but we all had our conflicts with our mother. Although I knew why my sister behaves like this towards me, I do care about her alot, but she is so evil towards me when she wants a fight or when things dont go her way. I have a child and a partner also, she hates me for it. I hope oneday she will see she is just hurting herself more by attacking her only sister.

Was seeking information on sibling difficulties and found this thread. Read all the comments looking for solutions for a difficult situation that I do not know how to deal with. Now 58 yrs old and having extreme problems with my 56 yr old sister. Our parents both died two years ago within 3 months of each other. She lives in the same city as my parents and I live overseas 3000 miles away. Always spent my annual vacation time visiting my aging parents and traveled there four times during the year of their deaths. She has taken over all of their belongings including vehicles and boat/trailer. The worst thing she is doing is deliberately keeping everything from me that has meaning including photographs and mementos that would mean so much if I could have a few of. The most horrible of her deliberate withholding (and seems to be enjoying it) is that she refuses to give me my father's ashes that were meant for me. I am now learning how advanced her life-long jealousy of me has become and is doing all these mean things to get even. Don't understand any of this and not sure what to do about it. This is certainly a new low - and glad my parents are not here to see this. If anyone has a solution to this or has experienced this level of retribution due to jealousy, would love to hear advice on how to handle this.

I am older brother by 2 years. Younger brother has always hated me for it. I left and stayed with Dad, he stayed with Mom. Whenver I returned to visit, he didn't change and was puposefully obnoxious, always for some little reason. Mom refuses to admit his guilt, even though it's clear to anyone he is the aggressor. I passed uni, he dropped out. I got a job, he never did. I work, he stays at home all day. I have money, he doesn't. I am mellow and passive, he is aggressive and judgmental. Recently, he has been getting a shorter temper, going out and getting into fights. Tried to pick fights with me over petty reasons, and now feels he doesn't even need an excuse to be rude to me, no matter who is also present. He has become dangerously unstable and loses his temper over petty, insignificant little matters, often threatening violence against whoever he's angry with.
Please tell me this isn't all because of me.

My family has been in trouble from the start. My parents never got along or agreed so from an early age my younger sister and I learnt conflict and somehow I was my Dad's preferred daughter and my sister was my Mum's preferred daughter (although my mum would deny that) unfortunately jealousy all round Mum jealous of my relationship with Dad(they divorced 20yrs ago when I was 16 yrs old and sister 14yrs old) Sister jealous of me and Dad. Then I'm jealous of Mum and sister's relationship. The whole family is nothing like a family it's 4 people blood related, biology. Even though I get on well with my Dad I've had trouble with him in past. Then I got my own life and thought as an adult I could try to mend all the stupid crap and enjoy a relationship with each but it seems once the rot set in it's too little too late. My Dad and sister are not on speaking terms so no relationship. My sister makes minimum effort with our relationship and my Mum defends her all the time. She has children I do not. All I hear from my Mother is how hard and difficult life is when having children and my sister doesn't have time to worry about me. Also my mum's life is hard and difficult, I never get any positive news. My sister got angry with me during her 2nd pregnancy saying I didn't care and not interested enough. I admit I probably wasn't the best as I was going through a bad time with divorce and debt, and I was pretty miserable as I had a boss who seemed to hate me, as a result I was not a happy person and felt I had nothing to positive to contribute to my family and maybe not realizing that on some level I may have felt inadequate compared to my sister having a baby(i have fertility problems). Also this time my sister got very angry with our dad and I pretty much didn't want to get involved with the arguement as I had enough on my plate. My sister thought I was unsympathetic, uncaring and uninterested but instead of talking to me about it started acting like a bitch towards me, making nasty jokes at family gatherings that for both our sakes I refrained from reacting to. However I should have attempted to find out why she behaved like this but instead I kept asking my Mum who told me not to make an arguement with my sister and leave it be. The more I ignored her bitchy behaviour and tried to be nice and normal the worse it got. I stupidly kept asking my mum why sister acting like that but told to leave it alone and she has children and I don't understand how tough it is for her. I became more frustrated and started to become angry with my mum defending her all the time. I got nowhere and finally I stopped talking to Mum and sister as I was pissed off banging my head on a brick wall. After some months I caved in to see my sister even though after talking to my mum and reconciling with her my mother still advised me to leave sister alone, however I ignored that as it hadn't worked for me previously and tired of mum controlling pulling the strings. I went to my sister's house and we argued but reconciled but during our time of not speaking she had married her children's father, so as you can imagine I was pretty gutted to have missed her wedding and not be a part of it. I get very upset that my "family" is the way it is, even though i made up with sis and send lots of cards gifts, I can't be with my sis as I have been overseas for nearly a year with my 2nd husband I hardly get any communication from her. My mum tells me all about my sister and nephews lives but it hurts not to have direct communication with my sis, I guess I will have to accept that we are not close. My mum and I still fall out over my sister and my mum keeps telling me to leave her alone! All I want is to be a part of my sisters life and be a proper sister to her but she obviously doesn't feel the same way and I can't understand why my mother wouldn't want us to get on, she says it hurts her that me and sis not close but gets angry with me for being upset about it says 'to stop picking at the scab" strange choice of words not sure what she means then starts banging on about all her lifes upsets and that she feels I am angry at her, blaming her for not getting on with sister. I know my mum is the worst person to talk to about this problem it affects our relationship, in a way I feel we don't have a relationship, every conversation is dominated by talking about sister. My mum is constantly talking about my sisters life and the children how hard and tough it is bringing up children and making me feel bad because I don't have kids. The reason I get so pissed of is that my sister goes out with friends dancing and drinking but can't spend 5 minutes sending me an email to say how you doing? My husband thinks I'm wasting my time keep chasing my sister and that I should stop just send birthday and christmas cards, but I find it hard to think that would be the extent of our relationship. I know deep down inside I do need to scale back as the lack of acknowledgment and no reciprocation is really hurting me and messing with my head. I just feel so unloved, excluded, I have 2 nephews that I would love to be closer to as well, this is my only sister and she doesn't care! It makes me sad about the state of my family and that my Dad and sister don't speak. My husband gets angry and upset that I'm upset and tells me I should just get on with my own life, in a way I do agree but I get annoyed that he doesn't seem to understand it's not easy for me to give up and now he is pissed off at me, so I know for the sake of my marriage I need to stop obsessing over my sister and lack of relationship.It's just so hard when you want better relationships with family and make effort but they don't care. I guess as hard as it is to accept you have to get on with your own life, have friends and maybe in the future something might change but it is difficult to see that things could be better when you badly want it right here right now......

In multichild families, there is a greater instance of favoritism, preferential, and differential treatment. There is no such thing as parents in multichild families treating each child equally. This is impossible. Furthermore, the larger the family, the more unequal children are treated based upon their birth order and parental preference. I have writtem many hubs about this. I am a writer on Hubpages. This article validates my case against people having more than one child. Only children are the luckiest people in the world and have it the BEST.

Its crazy how siblings can't just let go of the past and live for today. But if they are not right with themselves then thay can't be right with anyone else. My sisters think I was put on a pedastal as a child and the cannot supply one concrete or valid reason, just a baseless accusation so they don't have to be responsible for their own failures and choices. I have learned that I can't change them so I will love them and more importantly pray they find happiness within themselves. I have my life to live.

I am 32 years old and for a long time I have always felt my brother was jealous of me. I have never accepted this fact because I didn't want to believe that my own flesh and blood would think this way. Personally, I always want the best for my siblings. So i am nieve to think that maybe my siblings want tomthe same for me. But the reality of his jealousy comes out, especially when he has too much to drink. All that hidden resentment shows up. The other day, after I proposed to my girlfriend, and she accepted, I shared the news with my family, as one is suppose to do during such an occasion. Only to get a sny, inappropiate comment from my brother. I shouldnt let this bother me. But it is unfortunate to know that those who you would think should support you is hating on your success.

I am 54 years old and have had problems with my brother for the last twenty years. I think the root is jeasoly and envy from his wife for my success, career and having married someone professional and successful. My brother always keeps bringing up the past and cannot let go. Recently, I was at his house for meeting and he and his daughter verbally attacked for two hours. When I couldn't take it anymore, I announced that the relationship was over and walked out. I think I need to put a lot of time and space between us. I don't really see any hope. I want to know if you think I did the right thing by ending the relationship.

I am 54 years old and have a brother who is 55. I have been having problems with him for the past twenty years, right around the time he got married. I believe the root cause of the problem is his wife's envy towards me. I am a successful professional with a career and married to another successful professional. We have a very nice life and try to include them and their kids in family get togethers. I have been very kind to his children over the years but have become distant and one of them very hostile. At the last family meeting with him, we had a blow out for no apparent reason that I can think of and he insulted me, his dauther called ugly names, and after two hours of verbal abuse, I announced that the relationship was over and I walked out. I want to know if I did the right thing by ending the relationship. Also wanted to say that my mother feels the same way and she backs me up 100%. They were treated her very badly recently, picking fights and not talking to her. We can't figure out why this is happening now but since we have been dealing with issues for over 20plus years, we both have decided it's best to end it. This has been very difficult for me and my Mom especially durng the holidays.

I am 27year (next) and bride2be. From when I and my hub2be set a date of marriage, my (23yrs old) sister made things worse for me. I only wanted fours bridesmaids at first, my two very good friends and youngest sister (I do have 4 sisters) and my future niece to be. Then my (23yrs old) sister was funny saying I was chosing friends over family, my two friends are my family :) we have a great friendship. So in the end I gave in to have all my sisters apart from my older sister (step on my dads side) plus my two friends. Also invited my (24yrs old) sister's friend to the hen do and wedding for her. Im in weeks now until the big day so much has happened towards this date. My two friends are planing my hen do. My (24yrs old) sister now is funny with me because I'm not inviting her friend to our nana's (who is starting the hen do there before ending out to party) with my family and friends only. Then meeting everyone after. (I have come from a broken up marriage with mum & dad no longer being together so wanted to spend my hen do with both sets). Now my sister (24yrs old) is being funny and saying she is sick of hearing about things (meaning hen do and wedding plans i believe). I am 2nd to oldest child. I have a lil boy with my hud2be, I am now so sick of my (24yr old) sister trying to make everything about her. I know she isn't in a relationship anymore and lost a unborn child. But when she needed me I was there for her and now I need her to be happy for me and to just be my loving sister for once. But she seems to want her way all the time!! She is the only ONE who is being this way. What do I do??

I am 50 years old. I have 5 sisters and one brother.One brother pasted when I was 9.I have always been close to my mother and father. They like spending time with me. Not sure why. They don't spend more time with their other daughters and son. We do pretty much everything together. Everyone tells me I have a nice smile, I light any room up. I am kind and personable. I know I am a great daughter. Here is my problem. all my life I have been picked on by all my sisters and brother. I am always wrong and they're right. I can never win. The only time they are good to me is when they need something. Then I just say okay and help? Today I gave my family up. It is just not worth it to me anymore, Never in my life have I seen so much meannest. It is hard for me because I love my mother and dad. I would do anything for them. My dad has gotten very used to me being there for him.My poor mother now has alzheimer's and my heart hurts for her. I wish i could put her in my pocket and take her with me to get away from all this family crap.She tells me she wants to be with me but my other sister wants all the control over them. I came to this site because I started thinking maybe it is me but everyone tells me it isn't. Any advice? Thanks for taking the time to read this.